Letters To My 15 Year Old Self

Dear 15 year old self,

How’s it going?  

Actually, I know how its going. After all, I was you many years ago, 25 years to be exact. When I was you, I could have gained great benefit by hearing from my 40 year old self. I wish I could go back in time but this is the best I can do. So much wisdom. So much experience. 

So much more gray hair.

When I was you, 15 year old self, I could play basketball all night and wake up the next day with zero soreness.

Now I wake up sore, and I didn't even do anything the night before.

So here I am, or here you are. Or there you are. Or here we are. 

Or something.

My hope in writing you, 15 year old self, is that you might avoid some pitfalls. You might learn a few lessons. But my intent is not to spare you from pain completely. Some of your greatest lessons will be learned through difficulty and in turn you will learn how to be resilient.

Strength is only developed if resistance is present, even though we may dislike it at the time.

So I think one of the greatest character traits you should learn, 15 year old self, is resilience.

RESILIENCE

How does one define resilience? Here's one definition: the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.

At this point in your life, 15 year old self, you have lost friends in car accidents. You have changed schools multiple times. You have been bullied at school for having a speech impediment. You feel anxious at school. You don’t feel comfortable in your own skin. You're had to overcome difficulties. You've had to be tough.

You have had to be resilient every. Single. Day. Give yourself some credit! You’ve gotten this far! Middle school was super rough!

Where have you drawn the strength to be consistently resilient? You parents and family have been a huge source of strength for you, and that’s important, but you have actually had a spiritual strength your whole life and you don’t know it yet.

God has been with you. You might not be aware of it much, but He has been.

The world will tell you that you learn resilience from yourself. Many believe they can have their own morality and create their own foundation for their life based on their education, their immediate cultural influences, their money, their upbringing and their own notions of right and wrong.

Many may tell you that you are the master of your own fate. 

Let me tell you this: fate is a cruel taskmaster that leaves you at the whim of every notion and direction of your heart. 

Don’t be a person of fate. 

Be a person of faith. 

Fate is not the same thing as faith. Follow your heart? What if you heart is inherently deceitful and prone to wickedness? Should you follow it then?

I think you know the answer to this question. 

The majority of your peers, 15 year old self, are going to “follow their hearts” and do whatever they feel is right. But don’t be like them, 15 year old self. Please, please do not do this. There is a broad way that many think is right, but it leads to destruction. If you plant seeds in your life that are only about yourself, then you will only reap temporary rewards. 

Do you want to be a resilient person? Then ask yourself this question: in whom or what do you trust? Is it yourself? You will eventually fail. Is it in a relationship or another person? They will inevitably fail you. Do you place your hope in future wealth or a successful career? 

Do not place your ultimate hope in something you may eventually lose.

Instead, place your hope in God, whom you will never lose. When the storms of life come (this is a “when” statement. Not an “if”) you will be able to withstand them. 

But you know what? To be 15 years old is hard. Very, very hard. You honestly don’t get enough credit for all you have to do each day. It’s hard to be resilient. I know you feel your heart being pulled in dozens of directions at any given moment. Your body and mind are changing daily and you’re not exactly sure how to feel sometimes.

ACCEPTANCE

To compensate for all of the adolescent change you feel, you have a tendency to gravitate towards acceptance.  

Instant acceptance can be a sanctuary from the war you feel within yourself each day.

I’ve seen you do it. I was you, after all. This is why the party scene or other negative influence is so alluring. It is instant acceptance! Who doesn’t want to feel accepted?

But not all acceptance is beneficial.

It is always better to walk alone in wisdom than to be manipulated by the expectations of acquaintances. 

I know that you are easily prone to the suggestions of “friends” and because of that, you don’t want to let them down. As a 15 year old, you are incredibly self conscious, but guess what? All of your friends are equally self-conscious, too! Everyone else is equally worried about the opinions of others. 

Don’t worry about what others want from you. What do YOU want? Instead of trying to find the right friend, put yourself in the driver’s seat: be the friend you would like to have. You are in control.

How about instead of allowing others to dictate your life, you decide who you would like to become and you surround yourself with people you admire? 

Don’t sell yourself short. You are worth it.

PARENTS

When you’re 15, it’s hard to know who to trust. You know your parents love you, but you don’t feel like you can go to them. This is a mistake. I wish I had confided in parents more, trusted them more. This is a big regret of mine. 

I wish I had realized that my parents are people too. They used to be 15 years old. Don’t buy the lie that your parents are against you. They are not. They love you. They taught you how to speak, to read, how to use the toilet, how to be a person. They have literally walked with you every day of your life and will never stop loving you.

I know you don’t want to think about it, but your parents actually dated each other. (audible gasp)

They are real people who have not always been your parents, so show them empathy and understanding. This goes a long way in building trust in any relationship, especially a relationship as vital as one between a parent and a child. 

Open your heart to them and tell them how you’re doing. Don’t allow wedges to come between this vital relationship. Fight for your parents and their trust. They have always been fighting for you. Return the favor. You won’t regret it, especially as you get older.

DATING

Phew, ok here we go.

15 year old self, I know you think about one thing all day long: sports.

15 year old self, your desire for a dating relationship is at its core a good thing. God has designed you for marriage, to know and be known in this holy union that was created for human flourishing. God made marriage, and He made it to be a blessing.

But it's a blessing designed with parameters for our benefit.

As you grow older, however, do not seek to satisfy this desire in all the wrong places. When we’re young, we are impatient, impertinent and occasionally arrogant. We think we know what we want. We have biological urgings that drive us forward, urgings that again are God-given at their origin.

But listen to me: slow down. Wait. Breathe. Trust God for your future.

Let God grow you into a more mature person before you dive into a relationship. Ask yourself this question: would you want to date someone just like yourself, as you are right now? Is your heart, soul and character the type of person you would want to date? If you’re not that person yet, then wait.

Love desires to always give; lust desires only to take.

Read that sentence again.

Many young relationships are driven only by lust and they eventually flame out. They look for love in all the wrong places.

You can’t find love by taking.

Many seek to satisfy a God-given desire by taking instead of giving. This is an empty well that will not satisfy. Instead of always looking for what someone can give you, allow God to form you into more of a giver.

This takes time. Years. And it’s not going to happen while you’re in high school. So wait. Breathe. Slow down. You're not as ready as you think you are.

If you can't consistently care for a puppy, how can you adequately care for someone'e heart in a relationship?

A dating relationship or even a marriage is not going to fix you. If anything, it will put a giant spotlight on your immaturity, your inability to effectively communicate and your desire to only take.

Don’t buy into the lie that dating is a “test run” before the real thing: marriage. By no means should you kiss dating goodbye, but be very, very picky. Remain single and wait for God to make it blatantly obvious when you have met the right person. (He will. He’s God. God always gets it right)

Here’s the deal: Either a relationship works or it doesn’t. If you feel like you’re compromising, then it’s not going to last.

If you really believe God will provide the right person and you want to save yourself for marriage (and I know at your core you do), then make this your prayer: God, grow me into a future husband with godly character now, so that when I meet this person, I am prepared.

If you really do trust God for this future person, then act like it. Do what it takes now. Wisdom prepares for the event before it happens. 

That is faith in action. 

Believe God will provide them in due time, and until He does, allow God to develop within you with the qualities you would want to see in your future spouse.

Don’t seek the change. 

Seek God.

Seek God and seek first His kingdom and in time He will bring the change in your life. When God does it, it will be perfect for you.

All of this sounds good on paper (or on a screen), but it is hard. Trust me, I know. I had to pop all those pimples. I had to deal with rejection.

You will make mistakes in this area. Many do make mistakes, even with the best of intentions. When you do make a mistake, God is there to forgive, every time.

But trust me on this. How you handle this question of dating or finding a future spouse (or choosing to remain single, even) is the second most important question of your life.

It’s that important.

What is the first, most important question of your life?

I’m glad you asked.

CHRIST AS SAVIOR

Who are you? Why are you here? These are the big questions, aren’t they? You think about them all the time, 15 year old self. I know you do. You constantly think the deep questions about your core identity, and that's good.

What you believe about yourself as your core identity will shape your decisions in life. You have heard accusations against your core identity every day: you’re not good enough, you're flawed, you’ll never make it, you're not friends with the right people, etc. 

You have heard these accusations before (and you’ll hear them again) and that’s ok.

Hear me on this, 15 year old self: Let me shed some light on this for you. When you hear accusations against you, it’s not from God.

You didn't generate them, either.

Satan’s name is The Accuser.  He accuses everyone day after day, and they're all lies. You will hear these accusations, over and over. I encourage you to listen to the good things that God says about you in His Word. Eventually, the accusations will lessen in time.

We all hear these accusations against our core identity, but the real tragedy is if you begin to believe these accusations as your identity.

If you believe you are ugly, worthless or damaged somehow your words and decisions will reflect that core belief.

But here’s the wonderful thing about belief: you get to choose. It’s up to you. Life does not merely happen to you. You are the times in which you live. You are the result of the choices you make, for better or worse.

If finding your spouse (or staying single) are the second most important questions of your life, here is the number one question you will ever answer:

Do you know Jesus has forgiven you?

I know what you’re thinking: "Well, I believe in God. I have gone to church my whole life."

Yes, that is all well and good (and true), but that doesn’t answer the question.

God loves you, 15 year old self, but you are more of a sinner than you think you are.

Your ears are stopped up, your eyes have scales on them. May they be removed. 

God loves you as you are, and He also loves you too much to leave you as you are.

Do you know Jesus has forgiven you?

If you know Jesus has forgiven you, it also implies a few other truths: that you know Jesus as Lord over your life. If you know Jesus has forgiven you, it means that you have realized you have something in which to be forgiven. 

It means that you know that you are a sinner. In order to receive grace, you have to learn what is at stake.

You may feel that you have nothing to be forgiven. 

Think of it this way: why do you have a conscience? Why do you feel shame or guilt? Those feelings are the result of sin, the result of breaking a moral law. The shame points to the sin.

I ask you this question, 15 year old self, not to tear you down. Not at all. I ask you this actually to build you up. It’s the most important question because your eternity depends on how you answer. If you know Jesus has forgiven you (and He has and He does), then it unlocks a completely new world for you.

Once you experience the grace of God in light of your sin it changes how you treat your neighbor. It changes how you view your role in the world. It humbles you and this leads to godliness. Jesus has bought you with his own body and blood. He is the ultimate servant King, and if you claim to follow in His footsteps (and I know you’re trying), then you are called to love the world like that, in big and small ways.

If you know Jesus has forgiven you, then you know that your life is not your own anymore. He is your example to follow and this is good news. Know that your life is not your own, and may you be a person of grace and truth just as Jesus was, as you follow in the footsteps of your Savior.

15 year old self, as you go about your days, God will be with you. In your lying down and in your work, in your play and in your sleep, God will go before you, God will support you, God will never let you down.

You can do this.

Fentanyl, Teenagers and our Nation's Opioid Crisis

In our local high school, I recently heard accounts of teenagers vaping fentanyl in bathrooms while on campus. Students were found unresponsive and EMS had to be contacted to revive the students.

Apparently, Fentanyl is a highly potent synthetic opioid, estimated to be 50 times more powerful than pure, pharmacy-grade heroin. Medically, it’s often used for chronic pain patients and those who are likely to experience intense pain such as cancer patients.

Now with the recent advent of vaping, fentanyl can be ingested without even creating an odor. An overdose of fentanyl is what was later revealed to kill the singer Prince. 

This is a most troubling development in our American culture. This "opioid crisis" continues to sweep across our nation and is claiming hundreds of young lives at an alarming pace. Parents and school administrators can feel helpless as this epidemic continues.

As a pastor who has served in United Methodist youth ministry for 15 years, drug use among teenagers is nothing new in my experience. I've always known students who have smoked pot, dropped acid or drank heavily. Its always been a problem, and the problem continues to grow.  The lives of our children are at risk and are under attack.

Without intervention, I have also seen where every one of these stories unfortunately end: young potential wasted, criminal records or worse, the loss of life.

Many young people, when confronted with the option to quit drug use, scoff at the reality of peer pressure as the cause. Denial is the attitude of the day. "Who are you to tell me how to live my life? I can control my own actions. Its not that big of a deal. No one is forcing me to do drugs" they may say.

What young people always fail to see is that they are ultimately seeking acceptance. 

Teenagers understandably want a place to fit in and feel welcome. They want to escape their problems. They want peace. The drug or party scene provides that immediate gratification.  They are seeking the innately good desire of acceptance in all of the wrong places. In order the quell the inner restlessness they feel, substances are consumed to fill a void that only Christ can fill.

Augustine of Hippo is a massively important figure in church history, but before he became a saint in the Catholic church, wrote his Confessions and other important theological works, he was a restless, wandering young person. He dabbled with various religions and sought out constant sexual gratification, but never found true peace in his life.

Eventually, at the age of 31, as Augustine later told it, his conversion to Christ was prompted by a childlike voice he heard telling him to "take up and read", which he took as a divine command to open the Bible and read the first thing he saw.

This is what he read:

Romans 13:13-14 - New Living Translation (NLT)

13 Because we belong to the day, we must live decent lives for all to see. Don’t participate in the darkness of wild parties and drunkenness, or in sexual promiscuity and immoral living, or in quarreling and jealousy. 14 Instead, clothe yourself with the presence of the Lord Jesus Christ. And don’t let yourself think about ways to indulge your evil desires.

Augustine would eventually famously write that, “You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it rests in you.”

Augustine's conversion testimony (and my own, in fact) were not just words: he lived it. He lived through the restless period of life, seeking acceptance from whomever would give it, but it didn't satisfy the deepest longings of his soul. 

His heart was restless until it found rest in Christ.

It wasn't until the winding path of his life led to the person of Jesus Christ that everything changed. 

The demons were driven out. The restlessness was over. True peace was discovered. God, by his grace, reached out and touched him, and he was never the same. 

If you are a young person and you are reading this, know that there is hope for your life. 

You are not defined by your failures or your pain. Whatever acceptance you are seeking, know that God stands ready to receive you and give you a new heart, a new nature and a peace that only God can give. Consuming drugs, having illicit sex or drinking is an empty well. You will not find the refreshment you seek in those places.  "For what the flesh desires is opposed to the Spirit, and what the Spirit desires is opposed to the flesh; for these are opposed to each other, to prevent you from doing what you want." (Galatians 5:17)

God isn't out to spoil your fun. Rather, he's out to show you a much, much better way, beyond anything you could imagine.

Only in Christ will you find peace for your soul and the demons of addiction can be driven out. Take up and read what God has to say. He loves you and wants you to live a clean, righteous, and virtuous life with the Spirit of God living within you.

If you are a parent of a young person with addiction reading this, my prayers are with you. 

There are resources available for support, such as PALS (Parents of Addicted Love Ones) that can help. You are not alone in this struggle.

Comment below. Thanks for reading. 

Boys think about one thing....(the dating message)

Its true.

Boys think about one thing.

Sports.

Seriously though, this coming week we'll be discussing dating, relationships and all that is involved with that whole bugaboo.

When I was in high school, thoughts of finding "the one" consumed my life at times, almost to the point of consistent distraction and/or occasional depression. Many young people look for someone to "complete" them, but the focus is all wrong. As Jesus says, "wisdom is proved right by her actions."  I focused constantly on what I didn't have, and I was usually miserable as a result. I so desperately wanted a girlfriend, but never got one at the time.  

Now I'm incredibly thankful it shook down that way.

Instead of looking for "the one", we should be trusting God to make us "be the one" for someone else...down the road. Instead of focusing on what we don't have (i.e. a boy/girl friend), God wants us to focus on what we do have (Jesus, the Spirit, godly friends, sports/the arts, activities, our church, etc) and celebrate those things, trusting God to provide "the one" at the right time.

This is a radical shift from celebrating selfishness to celebrating thankfulness, from being led by the flesh to being led by the Spirit, from demanding your inheritance now as opposed to letting it come at the right time.

You're not single because you're only nice to girls (or because you're "ugly").

You're single because singleness is actually a gift.  Singleness provides you time to focus on what's most important and to trust God to provide when God knows you are ready. 

Singleness allows us space to be reminded that who we are sexually is not our main descriptor in life.  

Singleness allows you time to answer the question, "Would you date....you?"  Are you honestly the kind of person, at your stage in life, who is ready to give themselves over to another person in a healthy way that eventually leads to marriage?  Would you date someone who is in the same place as you are right now (emotionally, spiritually, etc)?

If you're not ready to date "you", then what steps do you need to take now in order to develop qualities you want to see in your future spouse?  

How can you develop the qualities of a good mate now so that when you meet "the one", you're actually ready for it?

If you wait to date and focus on becoming the right person, you are able to let God be in control of your relationships. 

But what if you're already dating someone?  There is nothing wrong with dating at a young age.  Dating isn't wrong (God put that desire within us for a reason) but it is dangerous to do so at a young age.  The pitfalls are many, and very few emerge unscathed. If you are dating someone, boundaries need to be in place.  Boundaries establish value, not hindrance.  Purity is a blessing, not a burden.  

We'll post more about that next week!  

Just be Good for Goodness Sake?!?

If you haven't heard, a group called American Atheists put up a billboard in NC recently:

I'm not going to take the bait and bash atheists, malign them, or decry this billboard.  Atheists are people that God loves, that I love, and its a free country.  They are just as free to post things like this billboard as religious people can post their own billboards, which are occasionally horrible.  I have admiration for atheists:  they don't take pat answers, they are open to engaging to intellectual scrutiny on a variety of issues, and they take pride in using reason.  They don't just swallow whole any teaching that is given to them.  There are lessons to glean there.  

Many of them, however, believe the misconception and stereotype that you have to check your brain at the door in order to be a follower of Christ. 

What I will point out about this billboard, however, is this:  why do we feel this drive to "be good"? (even for goodness' sake).  

What is the origin of this desire?  Why do we even care to try and "be good"?  

For one to engage on a search to "be good" implies that in your current condition you have the capability to not be good.  When I search for something such as "goodness", it implies that I know that I am not always good, and that I need better actions to rectify the situation.

Atheists may agree on this, but we would arrive at a different causation for the effect.  I would call this instinctual/covert movement towards goodness the natural human response to sin.  We know we are sinners, and we attempt to satiate our conscience via our attempts at good works, with or without God.

  Ultimately, this work is fruitless, because no one can make themselves perfectly righteous.  Only faith in Christ, whose perfect sacrifice of righteousness on our behalf, can make us "good", all of it grace.  All of it a gift of God on our behalf.

Many have begun to believe in God when they realized how perfectly impossible it is to try to be good, all the time.  You can't do it.  Why is that?  

An atheist may say they want to be good simply because its sensible and reasonable, even if that flies in the face of a true Darwinian perspective of the world, which on an animalistic level should be each man for himself.

It boils down to this:  when I have a hunger for goodness, it implies that I was made to know goodness, just as my hunger for food and water reasonably implies I need food and water to survive. 

God is the only one who is good, all the time.  We are made for God and to be in relationship with God.  Our actions speak louder than our words, whether we admit it or not.