Dear 15 year old self,
How’s it going?
Actually, I know how its going. After all, I was you many years ago, 25 years to be exact. When I was you, I could have gained great benefit by hearing from my 40 year old self. I wish I could go back in time but this is the best I can do. So much wisdom. So much experience.
So much more gray hair.
When I was you, 15 year old self, I could play basketball all night and wake up the next day with zero soreness.
Now I wake up sore, and I didn't even do anything the night before.
So here I am, or here you are. Or there you are. Or here we are.
Or something.
My hope in writing you, 15 year old self, is that you might avoid some pitfalls. You might learn a few lessons. But my intent is not to spare you from pain completely. Some of your greatest lessons will be learned through difficulty and in turn you will learn how to be resilient.
Strength is only developed if resistance is present, even though we may dislike it at the time.
So I think one of the greatest character traits you should learn, 15 year old self, is resilience.
RESILIENCE
How does one define resilience? Here's one definition: the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.
At this point in your life, 15 year old self, you have lost friends in car accidents. You have changed schools multiple times. You have been bullied at school for having a speech impediment. You feel anxious at school. You don’t feel comfortable in your own skin. You're had to overcome difficulties. You've had to be tough.
You have had to be resilient every. Single. Day. Give yourself some credit! You’ve gotten this far! Middle school was super rough!
Where have you drawn the strength to be consistently resilient? You parents and family have been a huge source of strength for you, and that’s important, but you have actually had a spiritual strength your whole life and you don’t know it yet.
God has been with you. You might not be aware of it much, but He has been.
The world will tell you that you learn resilience from yourself. Many believe they can have their own morality and create their own foundation for their life based on their education, their immediate cultural influences, their money, their upbringing and their own notions of right and wrong.
Many may tell you that you are the master of your own fate.
Let me tell you this: fate is a cruel taskmaster that leaves you at the whim of every notion and direction of your heart.
Don’t be a person of fate.
Be a person of faith.
Fate is not the same thing as faith. Follow your heart? What if you heart is inherently deceitful and prone to wickedness? Should you follow it then?
I think you know the answer to this question.
The majority of your peers, 15 year old self, are going to “follow their hearts” and do whatever they feel is right. But don’t be like them, 15 year old self. Please, please do not do this. There is a broad way that many think is right, but it leads to destruction. If you plant seeds in your life that are only about yourself, then you will only reap temporary rewards.
Do you want to be a resilient person? Then ask yourself this question: in whom or what do you trust? Is it yourself? You will eventually fail. Is it in a relationship or another person? They will inevitably fail you. Do you place your hope in future wealth or a successful career?
Do not place your ultimate hope in something you may eventually lose.
Instead, place your hope in God, whom you will never lose. When the storms of life come (this is a “when” statement. Not an “if”) you will be able to withstand them.
But you know what? To be 15 years old is hard. Very, very hard. You honestly don’t get enough credit for all you have to do each day. It’s hard to be resilient. I know you feel your heart being pulled in dozens of directions at any given moment. Your body and mind are changing daily and you’re not exactly sure how to feel sometimes.
ACCEPTANCE
To compensate for all of the adolescent change you feel, you have a tendency to gravitate towards acceptance.
Instant acceptance can be a sanctuary from the war you feel within yourself each day.
I’ve seen you do it. I was you, after all. This is why the party scene or other negative influence is so alluring. It is instant acceptance! Who doesn’t want to feel accepted?
But not all acceptance is beneficial.
It is always better to walk alone in wisdom than to be manipulated by the expectations of acquaintances.
I know that you are easily prone to the suggestions of “friends” and because of that, you don’t want to let them down. As a 15 year old, you are incredibly self conscious, but guess what? All of your friends are equally self-conscious, too! Everyone else is equally worried about the opinions of others.
Don’t worry about what others want from you. What do YOU want? Instead of trying to find the right friend, put yourself in the driver’s seat: be the friend you would like to have. You are in control.
How about instead of allowing others to dictate your life, you decide who you would like to become and you surround yourself with people you admire?
Don’t sell yourself short. You are worth it.
PARENTS
When you’re 15, it’s hard to know who to trust. You know your parents love you, but you don’t feel like you can go to them. This is a mistake. I wish I had confided in parents more, trusted them more. This is a big regret of mine.
I wish I had realized that my parents are people too. They used to be 15 years old. Don’t buy the lie that your parents are against you. They are not. They love you. They taught you how to speak, to read, how to use the toilet, how to be a person. They have literally walked with you every day of your life and will never stop loving you.
I know you don’t want to think about it, but your parents actually dated each other. (audible gasp)
They are real people who have not always been your parents, so show them empathy and understanding. This goes a long way in building trust in any relationship, especially a relationship as vital as one between a parent and a child.
Open your heart to them and tell them how you’re doing. Don’t allow wedges to come between this vital relationship. Fight for your parents and their trust. They have always been fighting for you. Return the favor. You won’t regret it, especially as you get older.
DATING
Phew, ok here we go.
15 year old self, I know you think about one thing all day long: sports.
15 year old self, your desire for a dating relationship is at its core a good thing. God has designed you for marriage, to know and be known in this holy union that was created for human flourishing. God made marriage, and He made it to be a blessing.
But it's a blessing designed with parameters for our benefit.
As you grow older, however, do not seek to satisfy this desire in all the wrong places. When we’re young, we are impatient, impertinent and occasionally arrogant. We think we know what we want. We have biological urgings that drive us forward, urgings that again are God-given at their origin.
But listen to me: slow down. Wait. Breathe. Trust God for your future.
Let God grow you into a more mature person before you dive into a relationship. Ask yourself this question: would you want to date someone just like yourself, as you are right now? Is your heart, soul and character the type of person you would want to date? If you’re not that person yet, then wait.
Love desires to always give; lust desires only to take.
Read that sentence again.
Many young relationships are driven only by lust and they eventually flame out. They look for love in all the wrong places.
You can’t find love by taking.
Many seek to satisfy a God-given desire by taking instead of giving. This is an empty well that will not satisfy. Instead of always looking for what someone can give you, allow God to form you into more of a giver.
This takes time. Years. And it’s not going to happen while you’re in high school. So wait. Breathe. Slow down. You're not as ready as you think you are.
If you can't consistently care for a puppy, how can you adequately care for someone'e heart in a relationship?
A dating relationship or even a marriage is not going to fix you. If anything, it will put a giant spotlight on your immaturity, your inability to effectively communicate and your desire to only take.
Don’t buy into the lie that dating is a “test run” before the real thing: marriage. By no means should you kiss dating goodbye, but be very, very picky. Remain single and wait for God to make it blatantly obvious when you have met the right person. (He will. He’s God. God always gets it right)
Here’s the deal: Either a relationship works or it doesn’t. If you feel like you’re compromising, then it’s not going to last.
If you really believe God will provide the right person and you want to save yourself for marriage (and I know at your core you do), then make this your prayer: God, grow me into a future husband with godly character now, so that when I meet this person, I am prepared.
If you really do trust God for this future person, then act like it. Do what it takes now. Wisdom prepares for the event before it happens.
That is faith in action.
Believe God will provide them in due time, and until He does, allow God to develop within you with the qualities you would want to see in your future spouse.
Don’t seek the change.
Seek God.
Seek God and seek first His kingdom and in time He will bring the change in your life. When God does it, it will be perfect for you.
All of this sounds good on paper (or on a screen), but it is hard. Trust me, I know. I had to pop all those pimples. I had to deal with rejection.
You will make mistakes in this area. Many do make mistakes, even with the best of intentions. When you do make a mistake, God is there to forgive, every time.
But trust me on this. How you handle this question of dating or finding a future spouse (or choosing to remain single, even) is the second most important question of your life.
It’s that important.
What is the first, most important question of your life?
I’m glad you asked.
CHRIST AS SAVIOR
Who are you? Why are you here? These are the big questions, aren’t they? You think about them all the time, 15 year old self. I know you do. You constantly think the deep questions about your core identity, and that's good.
What you believe about yourself as your core identity will shape your decisions in life. You have heard accusations against your core identity every day: you’re not good enough, you're flawed, you’ll never make it, you're not friends with the right people, etc.
You have heard these accusations before (and you’ll hear them again) and that’s ok.
Hear me on this, 15 year old self: Let me shed some light on this for you. When you hear accusations against you, it’s not from God.
You didn't generate them, either.
Satan’s name is The Accuser. He accuses everyone day after day, and they're all lies. You will hear these accusations, over and over. I encourage you to listen to the good things that God says about you in His Word. Eventually, the accusations will lessen in time.
We all hear these accusations against our core identity, but the real tragedy is if you begin to believe these accusations as your identity.
If you believe you are ugly, worthless or damaged somehow your words and decisions will reflect that core belief.
But here’s the wonderful thing about belief: you get to choose. It’s up to you. Life does not merely happen to you. You are the times in which you live. You are the result of the choices you make, for better or worse.
If finding your spouse (or staying single) are the second most important questions of your life, here is the number one question you will ever answer:
Do you know Jesus has forgiven you?
I know what you’re thinking: "Well, I believe in God. I have gone to church my whole life."
Yes, that is all well and good (and true), but that doesn’t answer the question.
God loves you, 15 year old self, but you are more of a sinner than you think you are.
Your ears are stopped up, your eyes have scales on them. May they be removed.
God loves you as you are, and He also loves you too much to leave you as you are.
Do you know Jesus has forgiven you?
If you know Jesus has forgiven you, it also implies a few other truths: that you know Jesus as Lord over your life. If you know Jesus has forgiven you, it means that you have realized you have something in which to be forgiven.
It means that you know that you are a sinner. In order to receive grace, you have to learn what is at stake.
You may feel that you have nothing to be forgiven.
Think of it this way: why do you have a conscience? Why do you feel shame or guilt? Those feelings are the result of sin, the result of breaking a moral law. The shame points to the sin.
I ask you this question, 15 year old self, not to tear you down. Not at all. I ask you this actually to build you up. It’s the most important question because your eternity depends on how you answer. If you know Jesus has forgiven you (and He has and He does), then it unlocks a completely new world for you.
Once you experience the grace of God in light of your sin it changes how you treat your neighbor. It changes how you view your role in the world. It humbles you and this leads to godliness. Jesus has bought you with his own body and blood. He is the ultimate servant King, and if you claim to follow in His footsteps (and I know you’re trying), then you are called to love the world like that, in big and small ways.
If you know Jesus has forgiven you, then you know that your life is not your own anymore. He is your example to follow and this is good news. Know that your life is not your own, and may you be a person of grace and truth just as Jesus was, as you follow in the footsteps of your Savior.
15 year old self, as you go about your days, God will be with you. In your lying down and in your work, in your play and in your sleep, God will go before you, God will support you, God will never let you down.
You can do this.
